Self-Awareness: Positive or Positively Destructive?
Life is a process of self-awareness. Realizing who you are, and comparing that to others. Judging yourself based on society-set standards and determining your value within such.
The point of self-awareness interests me greatly. The transforming turning point at which we realize far too much of who we are is based on appearance. Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I don't accurately remember when this happened for me. I think it was an initial small realization that grew into its current being through time and exposure.
I can't decide if this self-awareness has been a blessing or a curse for me. I'm not one to enjoy a life of ignorance, but self realization can have some rough consequences. I'm speaking mainly in terms of my body. As a child, I rarely thought about my body as more than the essence of my being, my mode of transportation on this planet (I'm sure my thoughts weren't that complex about it, but that's the idea). It was just a body, nothing more, nothing less. While I recall small sparks of the value of my body, I often disregarded them, probably if for no other reason, to avoid having to deal with the idea. However, I must have started to become aware in middle school. That's when I most remember caring about what I looked like in terms of how I was shaped. And with the awareness that my body mattered came the awareness that it wasn't good enough. Any insecurities I'd already had were blown away by those of my body. TOOFAT. Always. This led to years of attempting to reform my figure. Any possible way to drop excess weight or appear skinnier was instantly my goal. This continued for far too long, and still has power over me.
Things are altered now, though. Beyond seeing myself as an object of judgement, I came to realize it's purpose in the dating game. Nothing attracts a guy like a nice body. Say what you will about personality, outward appearance is the primary draw. An all new realization of the power of my body, this time more of a blessing than a curse. Also, beyond merely getting attention from the opposite gender, I'm venturing to say attractive people are just more appreciated in general. That sounds harsh, but I personally believe it to be true. It's simply easier to like a beautiful person. So the awareness of my figure in making impressions has been a bit of a positive influence in that it's led me to take more care in outward appearance, and I've been better liked for it. That said, I still fight with the "not-good-enough" curse that was put on me in the initial realization.
So I suppose it's some sort of balance. A pro and a con, all at once. Bettering my life while prohibiting me from enjoying it to its full extent.
Self-awareness is ridiculous.
