dear angel | RedGage

dear angel

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bighandlittlehand

dear angel,

Finally, you're here!

When I first learned about your coming, I was jumping with joy and crying and screaming and hugging everyone around. Although i have been expecting you for weeks now, I still can hardly believe it. But its all there.. printed clearly in the lab results: serum pregnancy test positive .

Then warm Joy thawed and cold Fear slowly seeped in. All the risks my Ob and cardiologist warned me about took on a dark, looming form, and i am suddenly weak and shaking... and alone.

You see angel, your momi is already 37 and has Marfan Syndrome . Its a genetic disorder that affects the connective tissues of the body, making me have extra long extremities, thin body structure, defective eyes, and a burgeoning aorta that will erupt should i ever stress myself too much. There's no cure for it dear, the surgeries and the meds might help slow down dilation of the aorta but that's that. All that can be done is to try to keep my heart tubes from getting bigger than it already is, that means, no running, no lifting, no straining, no laboring.. if i can do that, then maybe i can stay on and be able to outlive the mid-30s Marfan lifespan.

So I am SCARED. I am not scared for my life. Hell, i've lived Life long enough, laughed well enough, cried hard enough, loved more than enough.. I'm scared for yours. By deciding to have you, i consciously put my life --and yours-- in danger. I'm scared that i won't be able to carry you throughout the entire conception process, that my heart will give in before you're safely out.. and then there's also the risk of passing on to you my Marfan gene, that you will have it worse than i do. I know it may seem selfish of me --perhaps foolish-- to have you and keep you under these circumstances. But i've been waiting for you all my life angel.. and i just cannot bear to lose you now. Though you may cause me to lose my life, you are also the reason why I am still living it.

You must be feeling the weight of my dilemma and fears right now, and i am really sorry. I am trying my hardest to be positive and cheerful despite all the emotional turmoil i am experiencing at the moment because i know your first 3 months is crucial. But its just so hard.. i find myself wondering if its worth it. Then, i see myself holding your tiny hand and your little head resting next to my heart and i realize.. yes, you're worth it al l.

I love you angel .. I am writing because i may never have a chance to say all this to you.. to tell you that you're wanted and treasured and means the world to someone. though I wish and pray so hard I could be with you, hold you, and be able to watch you grow up.. I know i cannot promise you that. But certainly, i will be your angel, like what you have always been to me. :)

Meantime, i need you to be strong for me angel. Inspite and despite all my fears and doubts, I still believe in miracles. Afterall, God's amazing grace is boundless. So I'm leaving this all in His merciful and capable hands.

We have hope angel. Let's hold on to that. We can still make it together, you and i. :)

your momi Yey